I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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