I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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