Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
