Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I am naked and annoyed.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
