I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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