my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
