Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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