Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
