I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
just found out that she named her cat after me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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