We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that