just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
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She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
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Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.