If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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