I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
