i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
