i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
