did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
