i just had sex bonerless
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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