Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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