I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
