He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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