Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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