Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
