she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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