So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
