When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
