my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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