I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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