Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Drunk is a universal language darling
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
