If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
