last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
did i just pee glitter
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
