my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
