I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
