Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
