I wish I could teleport
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
