I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
