U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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