It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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