I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
