I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
