another moral hangover. fuck.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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