I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
