Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
