I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
