all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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