I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
