me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
