that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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