My liver just broke up with me...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
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