Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you win again, gameday.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
