Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
