Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
