Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
