Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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