Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
