Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
