I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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