I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
