Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
