i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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