I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
